Another St. Patrick's Day has come and gone. I'm sure I'm not the only one who overindulged, and is now feeling the aftereffects of too many green beverages. To take my mind off my hangover, I was browsing a holiday website, looking for more excuses to party. I expected to find things like "The Sweetest Day" or "National Pickle Month" or "This Country Won Their Independence from That Country Day". What I did not expect to find were holidays like "Correct Posture Month", "Nude Recreation Weekend" and "Rabbit Week."* I can guess how you celebrate the first two, but I'm not sure about that last one. Do we eat the rabbits? Dress like them? Adopt them? The possibilities are plentiful. Just like rabbits! (Don't think too hard about that whole nude/rabbit thing.)
Armed with the knowledge that just about anything can become a holiday with the right support, and a healthy dose of "hair of the snake**" I propose the following new holidays:
"Throw Your Appliance Out The Window But Only If It's Really Annoying, Like If It Snags Or Jams Or Works Too Slow Or Too Fast Or Too Loudly Or Not At All Or It's The Wrong Color Now That You've Painted The Kitchen" Day
"I'm Really, Really, Really Going To Go On A Diet Tomorrow For Sure But Right Now I Just Have To Have Nachos Followed By Ice Cream And Maybe A Beer" Festival
Semi-Annual "Ditch The Socks You Will Never Find A Mate For Because You Know The Dryer Ate Them, Or Maybe The Dog Did" Event
"Be Kind To Your Dentist, Because After All, She Pokes Around In Your Mouth With Sharp Stuff" Week
"My Team Lost The Superbowl But Only Because Of Bad Officiating, Not That I'm Bitter Or Anything" Monday
But then I thought, "Will you have to shop for these holidays?" Will they become gift-giving extravaganzas that make everyone feel stressed to the point of flinging fruitcake, even while claiming "I love this time of year?" Will we line up at 5 am to take advantage of the "Cheese Day" sales? This, I am sure you will agree, would be distasteful. And guilt! We certainly don't need any more guilt. Imagine your mother calling you, complaining because you didn't send her a $4.75 greeting card for Clip Your Pet's Toenails Day or Marmot Week. Fortunately, I don't work for a large greeting card conglomerate centered around artificial gift-giving emergencies, and besides, Mom is usually in Aruba during Marmot Week, so no problem.
Anyway, the kind of holiday I envision will have wonderful benefits, like paid time off, and no shopping, except for snacks. Surely everyone would want to give their employees a day off work for the "Rat Tossing Carnival" or the "Hallelujah, The Kids Have Gone Back To School" observance. And I am fairly certain a majority of people would love a holiday centered on wearing comfortable clothing and eating tasty food. I know that sounds a lot like Thanksgiving, but these holidays wouldn't involve travel, decorating, extensive meal planning, or even family members. I'm thinking we could create a series of comfort food days - "Macaroni and Cheese Monday", or "Cookie Week." They could even be very short holidays, like "Brownie Hour" or "Potato Chip Minute." No one could be faulted for not flying in from Alaska for a holiday that lasts a minute, for crying out loud!
I think in the new calendar, my favorite holiday would be "Mechanics Explain Those Dark Shapes Under The Hood Of Your Car" Day. Actually, that might take longer than a day. I can just imagine the 4th grade class play, with all the children dressed like rotors and transmissions. Look! There's my son, the piston. If you have a new and important holiday you want to share, write your congressperson right away! But don't write me. I'll be too busy Celebrating "My Husband Agreed To Hire Movers So I Don't Have To Try To Lift A Piano" Weekend.
*Actual holidays found on the fabulous Internet
**I know that snakes do not have hair but St. Patrick did not drive the dogs from Ireland.
