Dog School
When you first adopt a dog, the friendly people at the animal shelter recommend you go to "obedience training." But, let's call it what it really is. Dog school.
It sounds like you'd send your dog there, and he'd come back having learned many cool tricks. Tricks cool enough, maybe, for Letterman. But no. You have to go there, actually, to learn how to be a dog. You see, dogs are pack animals and apparently come with a very strict sense of order built in to their little brains. You have to learn how they think, so you can react appropriately to his behavior, making sure he understands that you are in charge. That's right, you have to learn to be the Leader of the Pack.
Well, that sounds good, you might think. I certainly want to be the boss of my pet. But then you go to dog school, with your pet. You meet other hopeful LOTPs and their dogs. And you meet the trainer (also known as the canine coercer, hound hustler, or bowser bully.) I personally think of her as the human humiliator.
You see, she will stand confidently in front of the class with her pocket full of treats, and describe a behavior she wants you to induce in your dog. "Sit", for instance. She'll take one of the dogs, some gangly puppy that clearly does not even speak English, and have him sitting for her reliably in a matter of moments. Then she expects each of you to get up with your dog and repeat this exploit in front of everyone. (See what I mean about humiliating?)
Naturally your dog wants nothing to do with you or your lousy treats. If he sits, he sits on your foot. He tries to take the treat from your hand without doing any work at all. And, worst of all, he gets that treat, because you dropped it the first time you got a slippery handful of dog slobber.
Halfway through the class, you realize you're incredibly bored, and so is your dog. He wants to meet the other dogs! They want to bark and growl and jump on you! This is much worse than passing notes in junior high, let me tell you. The trainer looks at you like you're hopeless (let's face it, you probably are - get a cat next time) so you hastily stuff your dog full of treats, hoping he'll settle down until it's your turn to ask him to "wait" or "sit" or "shake" or "cartwheel" while he looks at you with disdain.
By the end of the class, you're sure you've done everything wrong since you got the dog, including naming him, you are absolutely not in charge, and in fact you're expecting a call from DPS (Dog Protective Services) any minute. You're so nervous about screwing up further that you begin avoiding the dog. Well, you try to. But your dog is not going to let you off the hook that easy. He will follow you around, expectantly, looking for food (or maybe playtime? Who knows? Only the dog lady, and she's not telling) and forcing you to interact with him.
Besides, you have homework. You have to practice this week's command with the dog. You have to remember when to say the command, when to say no, how often to give the treat, what the secret hand signal is (in case the dog is deaf, or maybe just not listening), how often to repeat this sit/no/sit/hand signal/treat ritual, and about a hundred other Vitally Important Things, without which your dog will never, ever recognize you as the LOTP. It's nerve-racking. I thought pets were supposed to be relaxing!
