Fired Up
I saw a car on fire today. Normally when I see that (which is more often than you’d expect, considering that modern technology has evolved beyond the wood-burning cars of the past) I call the police and let them handle it. They’re very polite about my vague directions – “uh, I’m somewhere on I-5, and I might be heading north, but the merrily burning car is on the other side, so it’s facing south, or perhaps west, and the nearest cross street is, hmm, well, there was a Bob’s Omelet Emporium and Waffle Iron Repair Shop, and a Cucumbers ‘R Us, and...” then they say, “Thank you, someone is on the way”, even if they aren’t, just to get me off the phone.
During this particular event only the bottom of the car, the part you can usually safely ignore, (I think it’s called the underbelly, or something like that) was on fire. The driver must have suspected something was wrong, because he had pulled over to the side of the road. Inexplicably, however, given the large quantities of smoke coming from under the hood, he was still in the car! Perhaps he thought the smoke was a particularly heavy fog, or maybe he was simply in need of a triple grande espresso macchiato, no whip, two shots of butterscotch and one of jalapeno, to heighten his alertness.
Of course, I’d already had my triple grande mocha, skim, extra hot, curly straw, twist of lime, so I was wide awake. That meant that when I called 911, I not only knew what direction I was traveling, I also remembered to mention that there was someone inside the burning car I was calling about.
That was all I could do, sadly, because I had to hurry off to work, so I didn’t see if Mr. Burning Car got out in time. I worried about it so much that on my way home I searched the roadside carefully, well, as carefully as I could while traveling 65 miles per hour. Thankfully, I saw nothing that looked like an impromptu roadside BBQ. Not that I’d know what to look for, which is shocking considering how often I watch C.S.I., but there were no weird dark spots, no buzzards, etc. I assume that the friendly roadside police team got the man out of the car before it was completely engulfed in flames, and then wrote the man a ticket for unauthorized campfires.
Naturally this incident got me to wondering what I would do in a similar situation. What if my car was on fire? How would I know? What if it was just smoking a little, toying with the idea of going out in a blaze of glory because I don’t get its oil changed often enough and I only wash it once a year? Before today’s exciting events, I would have assumed that anything appearing from under the hood was just steam or some other mysterious car secretion. Now, however, if I see anything even remotely resembling smoke come from my car, even if it’s just the spray from someone else’s windshield washers, I’m going to be convinced that the thing is going to go up in flames AT ANY SECOND, and I’m going to hightail my butt out of there. Of course, I would probably get a ticket for abandoning a flaming vehicle, destruction of roadside plantings, or failure to provide donuts.
I know for sure that if my car were stuck in the middle of an intersection and someone tried to point out to me that it was on fire, I would not offer a colorful hand gesture involving my middle finger. (Yes, this has happened to someone I know. I guess the driver wanted to be alone with his burning car.) I also know that if I arrived at a friend’s house and a profusion of smoke began to pour from the mysterious collection of wires and bits of metal at the front of the car, I would not park under the car port and open the hood to check on things. (Yes, this has happened to someone I know and no, he’s not horribly scarred.)
So here’s a safety tip from me, now that I am an expert on such things through my exhaustive research, i.e., witnessing some really, really unlucky drivers having exceptionally bad days, though not as bad as their car’s day. If you are driving along and notice a sudden dense fog in front of your windshield, but not in front of anyone else’s, or if gaily colored flames start shooting from any part of your vehicle, I recommend that you stop the car, and then:
(a) Do NOT open the hood to check things out
(b) Do NOT go out of your way to offend would-be rescuers
(c) Definitely DO leave your stuff in the car (yes, even that really great new CD in the back seat, your breakfast sandwich, AND your coffee, unless it was already in your hand, which it probably was, along with your cell phone; it’s a wonder you didn’t crash before your car caught fire) and walk briskly away from the vehicle.
When the police try to ticket you for walking around Seattle without coffee, you can explain you left it in the car and now it’s too hot to drink. Then head over to Bob’s Omelet Emporium for a refill.
