Purses are funny.
They're not ha-ha funny like a purse shaped like a cauliflower or a lobster, or one made of faux hamster hide, or even one in the shape of a hamster but made out of lobster (although those would be funny).
They're funny because instead of just holding stuff, sometimes a whole lot of stuff, a purse becomes an extension of the woman who carries it. I don't mean that a purse is like a prosthetic arm, or those really gross 14-inch-long fingernails that curl around, or a parasite that attaches to the shoulder and starts sucking money and credit cards from the hapless woman-host, even at the gym. I mean that women's purses are as individual as they are.
You'll see purses in a variety of sizes. Some purses are large enough to house zoo animals, while others are merely suitable for hosting a small Boy Scout jamboree. On the other end of the scale, you have the "I can only fit a credit card and one key" purse. And every woman will own purses at both ends of the spectrum. Some weekends you just know you need the Big Purse, the large canvas tote into which you can put 3 beach towels, a bottle of wine, a change of clothes, a few magazines, and some bills you've been meaning to pay. On the other hand, some evenings cry out for the teeny tiny clutch, which can fit exactly one spare contact lens and a lipstick sample, and nothing more. Of course, most of the time we carry the in-between sizes with the usual assortment of 'must-haves' such as wallet and keys. So, you ask, where is the individuality in a mid-size purse with the 'usual assortment'? Shut up, I answer, and I'll tell you. It's the extra contents that make each purse so unique.
For instance, very few single women are walking around today with rubber lizards in their purses. Your typical "sex in the city" maven might have condoms or a pack of cigarettes (shame on you!) in her purse, along with bottled water, breath mints, and seventeen maxed-out credit cards. She will never be able find those things, however, because they are buried under her eye shadow, eyeliner, eye pencil, mascara, lash curler, blush, lipstick, lip gloss, lip liner, liquid foundation, powder foundation, liquid foundation that turns to powder, and perfume.
When she gets married, she might add kleenex and subtract the condoms. Well, maybe not. But forget the breath mints and makeup. She's got her man. (Okay, how many of you are PISSED OFF now?) She'll definitely add something to hold any unexpected gifts of jewelry that happen to come her way, especially if she is a newlywed.
Once a woman becomes a parent, the purse landscape changes dramatically. The new mom will have a purse ready for any emergency. She'll have band-aids, hand sanitizer, extra sippy cups, graham crackers, and car bingo. She probably will have crayons and an old kids' menu too. As the kids age, a few unplanned things might sneak into mom's purse. Now instead of finding an old matchbook with that sexy guy's phone number on it, she's more likely to find half a waffle or a small shoe. I've seen purses that contained curlers, action figures, pet food, nuts and bolts that fell off the car, and even one with a pepper shaker. And those were the small purses!
Occasionally, you'll meet a woman with an extreme "Monty Hall: The Price is Right" type of purse: it will contain aspirin, lotion, "feminine products", hair products, makeup, a wrench, granola bars, a pad of paper with a pen that actually has ink in it, a map, a screwdriver, pantyhose, a deck of cards, that CD you've been looking for, and of course, chocolate. This is the woman you want as your traveling companion, especially if you are headed for the desert, or a war zone, or Vegas.
You know, MacGyver should have been a woman. If it was a Big Purse weekend, he would have had everything he needed to make that escape helicopter/generator/nuclear bomb, and he wouldn't have had to scrounge around in the trash. But if he did go dumpster diving, at least he'd have hand sanitizer.
