Bounty from the Sky
I was on a plane not long ago, and had already finished my trashy novel and the in-flight crossword puzzle. The flight attendant wouldn’t serve me any more alcohol so I had to find something to do. I’d already memorized the informative, if slightly alarming, airplane safety card and checked the seat back pocket for gum. I was desperate. I had no choice but to browse the Sky Mall.
Now, that is an awesome magazine. They are selling things in there that no one on earth could possibly have a use for, and they are charging an arm and a leg for them, too. But they have you right where they want you. There you are, trapped in your seat. You’re bored. You’ve had a lot of expensive drinks (exact change is always appreciated!). There is an airphone staring you in the face, just above the pocket where the Sky Mall lurks. It’s like late night infomercial shopping, only better. The stuff costs more and the call does too. Here are a few things I found (but luckily for the health of my marriage and credit card balance, did not order.)
There is a pet alarm for your furniture that will emit an earsplitting shriek if it’s disturbed. Put this baby on the couch and wait to see Muffin’s reaction. Ha Ha! It’s a deterrent, and it’s funny as heck. Of course you have to be careful because if Muffin is a smart puppy, she’ll wait until you are sound asleep, in the dead of night, with your husband out of town, and then she’ll pounce on that thing just to see you leap out of bed, shrieking, and run out of the house, thinking your smoke alarm has gone off. Who’s laughing now?
On the next page of the magazine, for you softies out there, or those who are now under Muffin’s paw, there is an upholstered set of stairs that you put next to the furniture, to help your dog or other furry unhygienic animal get up on the couch. For the exceptionally lazy pet, there is a ramp instead of stairs. What a great idea! If only they made them kitchen counter height, my cats’ lives would be so much easier.
To further enhance your pet’s standard of living, there are several products called “pet luggage.” “Luggage for pets?” you may ask. No, no, don’t be silly. What would they pack, an extra collar? The fancy tags? No, this is luggage you put the pet into. Now, your typical traveler can be seen at the airport wheeling a piece of luggage the size of Trump Tower, with their clothes and toiletries and maybe some bondage gear packed in it. The Sky Mall shoppers will be wheeling a similarly-sized piece of luggage, but with Fido’s little head sticking out. As an added bonus, you can get this product– I am not making this up – in animal print fabric! If I were Fido, I’d find that just a little creepy.
Last, but certainly not least in the pet indulgence department, we have the Flea Zapper. This handy little device “eliminates fleas on contact” using a “low electric charge.” I don’t know about you, but it sounds to me like you’re taking a Taser to little Fluffy. And, even if it really doesn’t hurt your pet, wouldn’t it take an awfully long time to find and zap each individual flea?
If you are unfortunate enough not to have a pet to shop for, fear not. There are plenty of goodies for humans in the Sky Mall, too. For instance, you can get a bathrobe that claims you’re the President of the United States. Of course, when you’re trying to impress people, you only want the finest terrycloth.
If you want to look and feel your best, and you really like electricity, you have pages full of exciting options. There is a low pressure massager for your feet, one for your legs, and another for your head. There is even an adaptor for the car, so you can take your massage on the road! And once you’ve untangled yourself from your massager wires, you can use your home electrolysis kit. I think electrical shocks for hair removal is a great idea. I plan to try it some day in the very near future. But if you want to get started on your unibrow removal right away, and you have a pet, why not save money and use Fluffy’s Flea Zapper?
The Sky Mall is full of wonderful, useful gadgets like these. I could go on and on. But I won’t. Well, maybe just a little.
Who wouldn’t want: Plastic boulders! Socks with zippers! Sonic mole chasers! Nose hair trimmer with Swiss blades – frighteningly identified as The Turbo Groomer! Talking bottle openers! Okay, well, I actually own several of the openers. But I got them on the ground, so I paid much, much less than the $8.95 Sky Mall price. With the money I saved, I’m thinking of getting a flea zapper, to use on the next person who makes fun of my presidential robe.
