Small Talk
I don’t think anyone realizes how extremely important small talk is. It really is the glue that holds the fabric of our society together. Yes, I know that many people use thread, not glue, to hold fabric together. Just work with me, okay?
Suppose, for instance, that you are out shopping for weasel bait. There you are in the ‘Feral Mammal’ section of “Bob’s Animal Trap Emporium and Outboard Motor Repair Shop” when you notice someone whose child once shared a cupcake with yours at a school function. You know her, sort of, but only in a distant, less-than-an-acquaintance kind of way. She’s made eye contact, unfortunately, so you can’t pretend you didn’t see her. The problem is that you know nothing at all about this person except that her name is Mildred and her child likes cupcakes. This is where small talk comes in handy. You smile a brief, insincere smile, looking as though you’ve just left the dentist, and begin the conversation. “Hi Millie! How are you? What brings you here?” With any luck, she’ll launch into an extremely brief explanation of her gopher problem and you can go your separate ways. If not, you whip out your Small Talk Arsenal. “So, gophers, huh? How about that. They’re mammals, right? That’s why you’re in the Mammal section? Got any other mammals in your house? Yes, they bear live young, that’s right. Hmm. How about that.” You continue prattling politely as you slowly back away, still smiling and clutching your bag of dehydrated rat kidneys. It’s important to be redundant in your small talk so that no one really wants to continue a conversation with you.
Sometimes, however, you’re trapped in a conversation with a virtual stranger, or even an actual stranger. You’re riding a ferry, an elevator, or a bus, and you can’t get off in the foreseeable future. Someone you have no desire to speak with (because you don’t know them, not because you’re extraordinarily cold and unfriendly) looks your way. After trying to pretend you don’t see them, by sneezing, staring out the window at a particularly riveting seagull, or even feigning an asthma attack, you realize this person is still waiting to be acknowledged. You’re stuck, and it’s time once again for Small Talk.
Along with plenty of excessive repetition, it’s a good idea to make random observations that are either stunningly obvious, or just a little to the left of odd. “So, here we are on the space shuttle. Guess we’re going somewhere, eh? Hot today, isn’t it? That’s because of the sun. Did you know King Otis VII invented ferries so he could get his horses across the German Channel back in 1268? What was your name again?” With any luck, this conversational gambit will result in your listener thinking you’re nuts, and he’ll go bug someone else.
Sometimes you have to make small talk with people you’re related to in some convoluted way. This may happen at weddings or graduations, or parole hearings. These situations require a deeper level of small talk than weather or small animal maintenance. The trick here is to keep it deep, but impersonal. The last thing you want is to start spilling all kinds of personal details to Great Aunt Edna’s ex-husband’s new wife’s third cousin about yourself in a futile attempt to appear friendly. If you must chatter away, make up a wild story with unverifiable details about second cousin Horace and some circus clowns instead.
Some other situations where small talk comes in handy are on airplanes (“How about those engines, huh? And those tiny windows. Wow.”), in grocery store checkout lines (“I see you’re buying 4 gallons of milk, a case of beer, and 3 bottles of wine. I guess you’re thirsty, right?”), and of course on blind dates (“Wow, everyone in my family has a first, middle, and last name too.”) If we didn’t have inane things to say in these situations, we might say what’s really on our minds. Imagine this diary entry:
I was going to get my teeth cleaned when I saw my neighbor in the dentist’s waiting room and I told him how glad I was that he was finally taking care of his halitosis. How was I supposed to know he was just there to pick up his son? Some people are so touchy!
Of course, there are some places where you really don’t want to start with the small talk: the waiting room at the ER (“So, is that a phillips or slot screwdriver sticking out of your leg? Really? I have a screwdriver at home.”), at that big trough in the men’s restroom (“Say, that’s a nice quality porcelain there, isn’t it? I can see your reflection in it!”), and a funeral home. (“Dead?” No kidding. So’s mine.”)
Some silences are better left unbroken.
