I'm going to tell you a little secret that the tourism industry doesn't want to get out.
Traveling is hazardous to your health. Now, don't scoff at this, especially if you're drinking hot coffee. Look at flying somewhere vs. staying home, for example. Airlines are notorious for losing, or rather, misdirecting, luggage. At home, do your clothes suddenly decide to take a trip to Cleveland on the way back from the laundry room? No. And what about airline food? Does the food in your own kitchen scare you (well, yes, if you're talking about the stuff that lives in the back of the refrigerator, but not the things on your plate, right?) I mean, you can generally identify what food group you're eating at home.
And let's compare your home to your "Vacation Hot Spot." Sure, there's beautiful scenery and probably some pretty nice weather, along with (possibly) attentive wait staff and drinks in coconuts. BUT! Can you drink the water at home? Yes. At the V.H.S.? Nope. And have you ever heard of "Uncle Sam's Revenge?" Of course not. "Montezuma's Revenge?" You bet. How much sightseeing can you do from the bathroom of your luxury hotel?
Airplane food, lost luggage, and violent reactions to native cuisine are not the only hazards that await the unwary traveler. There are worse things. I'm speaking, of course, of "vacation brain", which strikes before you even get away. You become incompetent at work and at home, losing important documents, coffee cups, tractors, etc. You're not good for anything at all, which may annoy your coworkers to the extent that you never make it to your vacation destination because you've been attacked with a staple remover.
What if you've made it to your vacation destination, with your luggage, optimism, and digestive system intact? That, my friend, is the most hazardous time of all. That is when you are at the most risk of something I like to call "Stupid Tourist Syndrome."
Victims of STS will often believe they are invulnerable to things that would strike down an ordinary human, like sunburn and hangovers. They'll go out in the middle of the desert and lay by a pool (well, there's a resort in the middle of the desert, you know) with no sunscreen on at all. "Just want to get a head start on my tan", they might say. Or "I need to even up a few spots." Before you know it, they look like a lobster fresh out of the pot. Soon after, they can enjoy the creepy experience of looking just like a reptile partway through its molt.
STS sufferers will often drink large quantities of less-than-healthful beverages, leading to tequila-induced nightmares involving chainsaws and biscuits.
Another aspect of STS is assuming that everything in vacationland is just like it is at home. (So why do we leave? I don't know.) So, if people who happen to live in a city vacation in a rural area, they will constantly be surprised by the presence of actual wildlife. They will be startled, again and again, by the skunks and cats and rabbits and ocelot they encounter in the road. Thanks to lightning reflexes, honed by years of sudden freeway braking and in-town pedestrian avoidance, they may manage not to squish any of them.
If you have two of these STS-afflicted souls together, the problems are exponentially worse. Suppose they're driving down a rural road, and the passenger sees two elk in the road, directly in front of the car, and driver sees an elk 100 yards away in the meadow. The driver says, "Oh, look, bison!" At that point, the passenger assumes that the driver is talking about the elk in the road, and wonders why he is so calm, failing to brake or swerve, etc. At some point the passenger catches a glimpse of the far away elk, has a brain flash, and decides to notify the driver about the extremely close elk, which he believes is a bison, through a series of hand motions and shrieks that would make a rabid wolverine turn and run away. Fortunately, the elk in the road are not suffering from STS, and they run away too.
When you, the weary traveler, return home and gradually regain your sanity, you are at first delighted to get "back to normal" and go back to your everyday routine. Unfortunately, when STS amnesia has set in, that same routine will drive you out into the world again, looking for the perfect vacation.
This story has also appeared in the summer '09 issue of CleverMagazine
